Adopting Special-Needs Kids

by Terri Nighswonger

As editor of Family magazines, I fill these columns on a monthly basis with expert advice from professionals, moms and others who really know their stuff and can give you, the reader, the best advice possible. November is National Adoption Month and is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. Seven years ago my husband and I adopted a sibling group of three children who are considered special-needs kids.

I am not the end-all resource for this subject so I also turned to Cindy Kaufmann, adoption social worker at Beech Brook, a social service agency which provides foster care and adoption services in Pepper Pike, who reminded me of the adoption process and the advice to give prospective adoptive parents. If you’re already an adoptive parent or are in the process, I hope this encourages you to stay committed. It’s not an easy road.

By an adoption definition, special-needs kids fit into one or more of these criteria. They are a sibling group, age 5-8, are of a minority group and are not generally physically or mentally handicapped. They are usually victims of abuse and neglect and are considered at-risk.

A couple does not need any special preparation to adopt a special-needs child other than the usual home study and interview process. They do, however, need the support of the entire family, Kaufmann says.

“Everyone needs to be OK with it,” Kaufmann says. “During the home study process everyone in the household is interviewed and made to understand the special needs of the child. Even the extended family needs to be prepared. There is no quick fix with these kids.”

Most of these children have seen and done things that no child should have to experience, Kaufmann says. They lack the social graces of normal children and they need lots and lots of structure.

“It takes a long time for a child to be a child again,” she said.

In our situation, structured time wasn’t just a good idea, it was a life saver. We still struggle when the kids are waiting for Dad to finish getting ready for church on Sunday morning (he’s always the last one) or there’s a gap of nothing to do and no TV, Game Boy or music is available. They keep each other busy by arguing with each other. Of course, that may be more normal than I think.

“You really need a good sense of humor to get you through the tough times,” Kaufmann says. “You also need to be willing to work as part of a team with teachers, counselors, etc.”

One of the first experiences I had with a part of the “team” was early on when I attended a meeting of my child’s teachers and a parent surrogate also showed up. I had no idea what a parent surrogate was and I think I even asked the teacher, “Aren’t I the parent?” I wasn’t intending to be difficult, I was just a little confused.

FYI, a parent surrogate is an outside person who makes sure that the needs of the child are being met. He came to the meeting, said nothing and never came again. I guess I was doing my job.

My children came straight from the foster-care system into an adoptive home but Kaufmann says about half of the children available for adoption are adopted by their foster parents. She encourages foster parents to be licensed for both foster care and adoption. That way the door is already open to adoption. The fewer the moves for the child, the better, she adds.

“Most parents have in mind that they want to give back but they give and give and it takes years to undo the damage. Sometimes it looks like the child has come through and then they hit a certain age and they go through the same difficulties again,” Kaufmann says.

Prospective adoptive parents also need to have a degree of openness. Most of these children know who their families are and may someday want to know more or seek them out. A parent can help and be supportive of the child’s efforts.

Parents who are interested in taking on a medically fragile child do not need to have any extra experience.

“We have special training that we provide for parents who are willing,” Kaufmann says.

“In the end, you just need to be really, really committed. Once the child is yours – to return them is devastating to the child. It’s not as easy as one might think. It takes a lot of perseverance, hard work and humor.”

Terri Nighswonger is editor of Family magazines and the mother of one biological son and three adopted siblings.