Let Them See You Happy

By Susan Fee

When I was growing up, I had a date with my mom every Saturday night. At precisely 9:55 p.m., we’d snuggle into her king-size bed, prop up the pillows and turn on the TV just in time to watch the Carol Burnett Show. For the next hour we’d eagerly anticipate the antics of Tim Conway and hope he’d make Harvey Korman crack up. We laughed until we cried at the now classic spoof of “Gone with the Wind” when Carol Burnett walked down the staircase as Scarlet O’Hara dressed in window treatments and a curtain rod.

Each week the show ended with Carol singing, “I’m so glad we had this time together…” and that’s exactly how I felt. I was so glad to have had that special time with my mom, laughing. For a good portion of her life, my mother was not happy. Crippling arthritis had deformed her fingers into knotty, swollen masses. Her face was often contorted in pain. But, for that one hour a week I was able to see her smile and that made me feel happy too.

I was reminded of this not long ago when an incident happened that struck my daughter and me silly. So silly that tears ran down my face and I couldn’t breathe. In between gulps of air, my daughter looked at me and asked, “When’s the last time you laughed until you cried?” The truth was, I couldn’t remember. I didn’t think of myself as unhappy, but what about through my daughter’s eyes? I’m convinced now that one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to let them see us happy because it gives them permission to do the same.

According to Dan Gilbert, author of “Stumbling on Happiness,” people who report feeling happy have a very distinct way of perceiving life. They experience pleasure frequently by focusing on small everyday occurrences versus pinning all their hopes on big events like winning the lottery or receiving a job promotion. These events are more intense, but happen infrequently, if ever. In other words, the happiest people use the good china all the time instead of waiting for one or two big holidays.

How often had I hit the pause button on happiness waiting for: the weekend, the completion of a work project, when my child gets in school, when my child gets older?

Do our children feel like they are an interruption to our happiness or a welcomed addition along our journey?

When I turned 43, I decided I wanted to take on a big challenge: completing a half-marathon. Doing it would make me happy. While this is a big event, achieving it would take daily practice over many months. It would mean using my time more creatively and on some days, meeting my needs first without feeling guilty.

Since I was starting from scratch (I had never run before) I had to buy equipment and receive coaching. Normally, I would have waited until my daughter was in school or playing with friends to do this, but instead I took her along.

As my training progressed, my body and spirit did too. I was downright jazzed! When I would return from long training runs, I shared with my family all that I had noticed along the nature trails. Together, we crossed off days on the calendar leading up to the big day. But of course, it wasn’t about one big day, it was about what I was feeling and sharing on all the days in between. The big event was not race day, but the lesson I had learned about happiness.

As for small, everyday events that bring me joy, I need only to look at a framed photo displayed in my office. In it, I am sweaty and spent having just completed the Cleveland Clinic River Run. My daughter is standing by my side, giving me a huge hug. Both of us are grinning ear-to-ear, so happy.