Dear Andrea:

My husband and I just married last fall; he has a 15-year-old daughter. He and his daughter are close and she is very resentful of me. She would prefer to go out with her father, alone, and only talk with her father on the phone. They also e-mail extensively. I feel excluded and, candidly, somewhat jealous – there are weekends I barely see him at all. What should I do?

Andrea says: This is tricky. Here are realities and strategies to consider: It is often the case that when an adult relationship deteriorates, the partners begin to "over invest" in their children. Fathers and daughters, and mothers and sons, often become very emotionally close and that intimacy substitutes, inappropriately, for adult intimacy. To the extent that happened in your husband’s prior marriage, or any period of separation, your stepdaughter’s expectations of her relationship with her father may be unreasonable. Her resentment arises because she feels you have taken her place. She is competing with you for her father’s private, exclusive attention.

Be understanding of what this is and why it has occurred:

Respect the need for a continuing, private father-daughter relationship.

While all of this would seem to argue for insisting upon your husband’s separation from his daughter – and for his daughter to grow up she will need to separate – too abrupt an interruption in their relationship could be devastating to both of them; it will also prompt accusations of abandonment. Any demand by you that he substantially limit their interaction will cause your stepdaughter’s resentment to flare and, when she protests, will cause your husband to feel you are asking him to choose between the two of you. This will put your husband in an emotionally excruciating conflict and reduce you to a jealous, demanding rival.

You need to understand that it is generally a good idea for each parent to maintain some separate, special relationship with his or her own children. In a divorce a child necessarily loses the family unit; the child shouldn’t have to give up her relationship with her parent, too. At the same time, new family units, and new relationships, need to be formed. In a situation such as this, where a parent-child relationship has become too intense, the relationship should be continued, but limited, for everyone’s sake.

Set aside a special time for your husband and his daughter.